- Like a zombie, but even WORSE hygeine..
What could go wrong you ask? Everything. The good people at DARPA have awarded $9.9 Billion dollars to Texas A&M Institute for Preclinical Studies (TIPS), to create a medical zombie vaccine which will put near dead soldiers who have mortal wounds into a hibernative state. This will put the body into a type of “suspended animation” the same way squirrels hibernate, which will allow the heart to stop beating and prevent blood loss. The vaccine does this by exploiting a pancreatic enzyme used by the squirrel as it goes into hibernation. This allows it to emerge from winter both having to pee and having it amazingly unharmed by the months asleep. Here I thought the date rape drug was bad. The rampant misuse of any drug can be clearly anticipated and I look forward to the months of shut eye that await me.
After a soldier is wounded in the field they have about an hour before all damage is irreversible. The zombie vaccine will extend that time to possibly 10 hours. Then, thanks to the preservation of the vaccine the minimal damage can be repaired easily. That’s why you double tap the head of the zombie. ALWAYS aim for head. But before all that, they will first do the traditional animal sacrifices by shanking pigs and animal testing the procedure. The pigs, will not only ignore personal hygiene, but potentially death as well! There’s nothing more scary in my mind than a zombie pig potentially hibernating and I can’t wait to say “I told you So” as the hordes of pigs surround you in a shopping mall as their low calf height teeth begin gnawing at your ankles.
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