"Do you have any Deodorant I can borrowww?"
Scientists have discovered flying squirrels as far back as and perhaps even earlier than birds. With Scientists analyzing the floppy armpitted squirrels’ fossils evidence supports them living around 125 million years ago. The term flight is used loosely as the squirrel is really just jumping and using it’s disgusting sweaty armflap to “glide” as gracefully as one can using armpits from tree to tree. Fossils showed signs of the membrane imprinted as well as the fur that lined it. Man evolves, sees the modern flying squirrel and thinks “Hey, I’m drunk, have money, and have serious trouble finding dates, I’ll make my own furry armpit suit!” Now check out the video below of Jeb Corliss jumping off a cliff!
Following the first successful flight of the wright brothers mankind has found more and more successful ways to smear his DNA into pavement with even greater enthusiasm. Since the 1930′s these early “birdmen” would dive out of planes holding fixed wing devices (some even made with metal) with the delusion that they would be able to Hawkeye/Ironman their way into the pants of any 1930′s lass. Unfortunately between the years of 1930 and 1961 of the 75 original birdmen all but two survived. Yes… 72 human pancakes died… As a result of the ridiculous fatality rate the UAPA (United States of America Parachuting Association) put a ban on all wingsuit flight.
"Look at My Wingsuit Ladies! Now does copulation seem like an option?"
Despite the ban in 1987 German skydiver Christoph Aarns created a modified suit which both slowed and stabilized the diver’s decent and as a result the UAPA said “What the hell? Maybe natural selection will take care of the problem for us.” and lifted the ban. Soon after, in the 90′s, a French skydiver by the name of Patrick De Gayardon created the suit we are familiar with today with wings spreading from the arms and between the legs. Sure enough, a suit modification resulted in the French wingsuit skydiver’s ultimate demise. Ironically still, commercial production soon followed in response to Darwin haunting several people from the grave. Darwin’s ghost was quoted as texting “OMG I RLY CN’T B-L33v They Have Cell Phonez in da Futere GTG! ROFLCOPTER”.
Now instead of slinging an extension cable over a swingset at your local playground and kicking a chair over you can now purchase your own flying death suit for anywhere from $600 - $1200. So if you do kick it at least you can die sweaty with a big pee stain on your wing pants. That is assuming you make it past the 500 recommended skydiving jumps before you even don a wingsuit. Currently the records for flight are 155 mph / 250kph and a distance of 11 miles. Strangely, they don’t have the “most obviously avoidable fatalities not avoided” record. So if you have balls of steel (or lady balls of steel, *hat-tip*). Or forget steel, if you have larged webbed testicles that allow your drag coefficient to skyrocket, even better! If you can’t find friends to join you in a game of Russian Roulette don a wingsuit, and if you do go out, at least you’ll make a great youtube video.
