Like a zombie, but even WORSE hygeine..

What could go wrong you ask? Everything. The good people at DARPA have awarded $9.9 Billion dollars to Texas A&M Institute for Preclinical Studies (TIPS), to create a medical zombie vaccine which will put near dead soldiers who have mortal wounds into a hibernative state. This will put the body into a type of “suspended animation” the same way squirrels hibernate, which will allow the heart to stop beating and prevent blood loss.  The vaccine does this by exploiting a pancreatic enzyme used by the squirrel as it goes into hibernation. This allows it to emerge from winter both having to pee and having it amazingly unharmed by the months asleep. Here I thought the date rape drug was bad. The rampant misuse of any drug can be clearly anticipated and I look forward to the months of shut eye that await me.

After a soldier is wounded in the field they have about an hour before all damage is irreversible. The zombie vaccine will extend that time to possibly 10 hours. Then, thanks to the preservation of the vaccine the minimal damage can be repaired easily. That’s why you double tap the head of the zombie. ALWAYS aim for head. But before all that, they will first do the traditional animal sacrifices by shanking pigs and animal testing the procedure. The pigs, will not only ignore personal hygiene, but potentially death as well! There’s nothing more scary in my mind than a zombie pig potentially hibernating and I can’t wait to say “I told you So” as the hordes of pigs surround you in a shopping mall as their low calf height teeth begin gnawing at your ankles.

[source]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSCLBG9KeX4

I prefer the old fashioned method of tying a Bee on a string here, a much more dangerous and useless technique…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrx49TOKyno

either way I for one look forward to the plethora of web pages that will feature spy cams on beetles. the all ‘old lady who swallowed the fly’ network. the fetish world is well on the cusp of a revolution.

in further news:

“Researchers have already developed remote control systems for rats, pigeons and even sharks.”

Remote control shark? excuse me, did someone say remote control shark?! Here I am wasting time with guns when REMOTE CONTROL SHARKS are in the works?

José Delgado at Yale University created the first cyborg animal in the 1950s. Delgado discovered where to insert electrodes in the brains of several species, including bulls, to acquire crude control of their movement. In one dramatic demonstration in 1963, he stood in a bullring in Córdoba, Spain, as one of his cyborg bulls charged at him. With just seconds between him and a good goring, Delgado flicked a switch and the bull skidded to a halt.

I would have killed for this technology, senior liquor store clerks with baseball bats have suprising strength when they have adrenaline coursing through their wrinkled veins.

Why are we wasting time with robots when we ought to be turning animals, children, friends and family into mindless zombies!

[original source]