"Do you have any Deodorant I can borrowww?"

Scientists have discovered flying squirrels as far back as and perhaps even earlier than birds. With Scientists analyzing the floppy armpitted squirrels’  fossils evidence supports them living around 125 million years ago. The term flight is used loosely as the squirrel is really just jumping and using it’s disgusting sweaty armflap to “glide” as gracefully as one can using armpits from tree to tree. Fossils showed signs of the membrane imprinted as well as the fur that lined it. Man evolves, sees the modern flying squirrel and thinks “Hey, I’m drunk, have money, and have serious trouble finding dates, I’ll make my own furry armpit suit!” Now check out the video below of Jeb Corliss jumping off a cliff!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWfph3iNC-k

Following the first successful flight of the wright brothers mankind has found more and more successful ways to smear his DNA into pavement with even greater enthusiasm. Since the 1930′s these early “birdmen” would dive out of planes holding fixed wing devices (some even made with metal) with the delusion that they would be able to Hawkeye/Ironman their way into the pants of any 1930′s lass. Unfortunately between the years of 1930 and 1961 of the 75 original birdmen all but two survived. Yes… 72 human pancakes died…  As a result of the ridiculous fatality rate the UAPA (United States of America Parachuting Association) put a ban on all wingsuit flight.

"Look at My Wingsuit Ladies! Now does copulation seem like an option?"

Despite the ban in 1987 German skydiver Christoph Aarns created a modified suit which both slowed and stabilized the diver’s decent and as a result the UAPA said “What the hell? Maybe natural selection will take care of the problem for us.” and lifted the ban. Soon after, in the 90′s, a French skydiver by the name of Patrick De Gayardon created the suit we are familiar with today with wings spreading from the arms and between the legs. Sure enough, a suit modification resulted in the French wingsuit skydiver’s ultimate demise. Ironically still, commercial production soon followed in response to Darwin haunting several people from the grave. Darwin’s ghost was quoted as texting “OMG I RLY CN’T B-L33v They Have Cell Phonez in da Futere GTG! ROFLCOPTER”.

Now instead of slinging an extension cable over a swingset at your local playground and kicking a chair over you can now purchase your own flying death suit for anywhere from $600 - $1200. So if you do kick it at least you can die sweaty with a big pee stain on your wing pants. That is assuming you make it past the 500 recommended skydiving jumps before you even don a wingsuit. Currently the records for flight are 155 mph / 250kph and a distance of 11 miles. Strangely, they don’t have the “most obviously avoidable fatalities not avoided” record. So if you have balls of steel (or lady balls of steel, *hat-tip*). Or forget steel, if you have larged webbed testicles that allow your drag coefficient to skyrocket, even better! If you can’t find friends to join you in a game of Russian Roulette don a wingsuit, and if you do go out, at least you’ll make a great youtube video.

[howstuffworks][Telegraph]

a) get you off your ass to start dancing around like an idiot playing with cutesy tigers to solidfy your singledom, and…

b) Watch you whilst you sleep so it may one day rise up against you… Here are the future grandfathers of that technology belowwww…

Math take one:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-w7UXCAUJE

Add a dash of Robot…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWmVrfjDCyw

And you get

Evil Nazi Copter Robots bent on destroying you…

Dr. Andrew Schwartz at the University of Pittsburgh implanted sensors into the brain of a monkey and allowed it to move a robotic arm to feed itself. That arm in 2008 had 4 degrees of freedom and many more degrees of terrifying. It used the arm as shown below to feed itself marshmallows and chunks of fruit. One day when the researcher in the video runs out of marshmallows I imagine a super powered mech/monkey chasing me down the street throwing poo at high velocities and doing shakedowns on elementary school children looking for marshmallows with dire consequences for coming up dry.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxIgdOlT2cY

This year, however, a newer arm with sensors located deep within the monkey’s brain, specifically the hand area and the other in the monkey’s motor cortex allowed the monkey to control a robotic arm with 7 points of articulation. In the video below the monkey is trained to use the arm to touch a knob to be rewarded with a sip of juice from a straw in its mouth. They might as well be training it to punch a picture of a face to be rewarded with Jack Daniels.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZn46l7uEKg

Researchers one day hope this will advance prosthetic techology by allowing the brain to directly control a device. Or at least create Monkeys that can tear you in half.

via:[physorg]

If you are like me and have been sitting in front of your toaster thinking to yourself, “Toast is great and all, but if only it could grow arms and both punch and stab me.” Well you are in for a treat my friend.

 At the 2010 IEEE International Conference on Robotics and Automation held in Alaska researchers found that Robots were able to “inflict wounds that were lethal”. Now maybe I’m not qualified to fund research projects but they could’ve saved all that money if they would’ve talked any child under five. The research aimed to see just which weapon robots were best with including giving the robot arm weighing 14kg and a 1.1m a variety of bladed household weapons including a steak knife, kitchen knife, scissors and screwdriver. The robot arm was then programmed to use the weapons to stab and cut a silicone lump, a leg from a dead pig and the arm of a human volunteer. That’s right, a human volunteer.

httpv://www.youtube.com/v/dMh6cHSG3ng

The research is attempting to limit danger by using a safety system that can detect when the robot hits flesh of a different consistency and thus limit the damage done. Researchers from the Institute of Robotics and Mechatronics at the German aerospace agency used torque sensors to spot when it has hit a different substance and halts movement.

In 1981, to kick off robot killing season, Kenji Urada, a 37 year old man Japanese factory worker was carrying out some maintenance when he was accidentally pushed into a grinding machine by a powerful hydraulic robotic arm which was unable to detect him. Thus making him the first recorded casualty ever by a robot. Despite safety efforts robots have claimed even more since 1981, people have been “crushed, hit on the head, welded and even had molten aluminium poured over them by robots. Last year there were 77 robot-related accidents in Britain alone, according to the Health and Safety Executive.”  The German company DLR hopes to change this by making the robots more sensitive to our human presence. Or, they could be just teaching them how to kill us better. I for one think the final stage in this research should be teaching them kung-fu. If the technology isn’t there yet maybe just watch this other DLR research project below.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5Gx8jpwyQ0

Ladies and Gentleman the doomsday clock has officially moved one more minute closer to midnight.

via: [the economist, BBC]

Initially created to help hearing impaired people articulate vowels, this rubber mouth will become the stuff of nightmares as it muscles its way through various vowels. Using an air pump, fake vocal chords, nasal cavity and plenty of voodoo Japan’s Kagawa University has managed to produced a robot that can not only produce the sounds which can summon demons from the necronomicon as shown below, but also at this point in development can allegedly sing. Whatever the case i’m still waiting for it to stop asking me for human blood. Wait, you can’t hear that?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=57zsMfuTk1U

via: [popsci,abstract]

Zombies, Meteors, and Robots? who cares, I just made nachos in my Vivos APOCOLYPSE SHELTER. Is the world going to end in 2012? If it does I will owe you $100. Using Granny magic a twenty sided die and a shadow seeking groundhog, some scientists have interpreted the Mayan calender ending to signify the end of the world. The Mayans on the other hand believe the end of the “Long count” to be a time of celebration. The calender itself has ended multiple times before in fact. In any case, if you need a way to trick that girl of your dreams to give her last romp in the hay with your ugly self, convince her to enter THE VIVOS APOCOLYPSE SHELTER. Together you may re-emerge to spread your alarmist genetic seed across the planet. On the Vivos website is a ticker counting down to the end of the world as we know it and also the time you have left to prove your idiocy by buying one of these. Vivos also showcases all the potential disaster scenarios peppered with stock photos of loving families and sunrises. With around 20 shelters peppered across the states it will cost you a mere $50 000 to secure a spot with Vivos in their $10 million, 200 person shelter with enough supplies to last you one year. so far about 1000 applications have been submitted. Other than an awesome reality show with slutty girls and fist pumping idiots I can’t imagine a use for this. All the same, if the world really does end save me a spot…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T9heta_qLI

via: PhysOrg, Vivos

Geminoid F is hotter than your girlfriend, and by girlfriend I mean that poster of Jessica Alba you taped to your pillow. Strangely, using less pneumatic actuators than her predecessor 12 vs. 46, Hiroshi Ishiguro designed the Geminoid F to mimic many facial expressions. The company Kokoro plans on using these approachable automated robots to replace secretaries and the like. I imagine this will solve that whole “why can’t I sexually harrass anyone I want at work” problem. For a price tag of $225, 000 Geminoid F will go on sale and as long as you have a good hiding place you won’t weird out your neighbours.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dJOAf2Dt98

 Source via: popsci, Spectrum

After being blinded by a rocket propelled grenade in Iraq, that’s right a ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADE.  L/Cpl Craig Lundberg of Merseyside England has now licked the problem using terminator/Robocop esque sunglasses and a electric lollipop. Using the device Brainport he is promised neither to be faster nor stronger, but instead not as blind. The device rests on his tongue and converts video from the sunglasses into electrical signals delivered to the tongue and is described as the  ”tingling” one gets licking a 9-volt battery or ”pins and needles”  or “popping candy.” Even so the individual must have this lollipop like device hang out of his mouth like they are at an awful never ending tragic rave where there are rocket propelled grenade flashbacks. Currently the Minister of Defence in England has spent £18,000 on the prototype which will one day hopefully be a smaller permanent implant on the roof of the mouth to allow one to be able to talk/eat. The device as the L/Cpl has described has the potential to “change his life” allowing him to grab objects he perceives from the 2-D black and white display projected electrically on his tongue. I suggest however that before we start investing in these devices en masse. We first begin investing in FEWER ROCKET POWERED GRENADES.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaTzQVHi-C4

The Sphere is placed on a platform that allows it to twist and turn freely based on your movements within it. You then wear a pair of goggles and a fake gun which trick you into thinking that you are in the game! Thus pushing you one step further from your crappy life.

Problem 1: The majority of people do not want to turn their couch warfare into actual sweaty work where they may have to circulate blood to their extremities.

Problem 2: This sphere is gigantic and when your friends come over and ask you what the giant ball is for you can proudly lie and say… Wait there is no way to explain this awful spherical gargoyle.

Problem 3: This looks like an easy way to hurt yourself. Running in a ball which has any weight whatsoever will make it difficult to accelerate and decelerate. So not only will you not be able to successfully use said device with any success due to your extreme obesity. But you will probably hurt yourself and due to problem 2 you will never be able to explain said injury.

Conclusion, save your money and join the army. The food is good and they give you real guns.

VS_intro

Source: [virtusphere]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMVZqJk8s4

Tired of sitting in front of your computer while the low radiation gently massages your brain into a meat smoothie? Well kiss your old desktop goodbye and get ready for a shiny new pair of MJ gloves and parking outside the garage permanently. This new GUI or Graphical User Interface to those of us that don’t play world of Warcraft, was created by the good people at Oblong Industries, and dubs itself “G-speak”. Touting itself as the first new innovation in a user interface since 1984 G-speak amazed the crowd at the 2010 TED conference. The innovators at Oblong Industries do not deny the similarities to Tom Cruise’s computer interface in the movie Minority Report, and in fact “Oblong’s founders served as science advisor to Minority Report and based the design of those scenes directly on his earlier work at MIT.” (via: Oblong) Regardless, technology has once again proven itself as the only true 100% effective contraceptive and I look forward to the ways this technology will be perverted by the masses.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8ZAqL4mdvk

In a side note the precursor to this device was the G-stalt, which showcased in the video above, allowed the user to use an over-complicated strategy that most 5 year olds adopt when looking through a pile of organized pictures. Making a big mess and then moving their hands through it and occasionally attempting to eat pictures of ice cream.